Dr. Mamalegato

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How We Spend Our Days

“How we, spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” ~Annie Dillard, The Writing Life

I think about this quote all. the. time.

It makes sense to me in so many contexts.

I share it with my students when emphasizing that what we are exploring in class are not just skills you learn and then put into your back pocket only to whip out when needed. What we are learning and exploring in class is a practice– And we can only ever grow and improve as artists by being in practice, always. “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” If I spend my day (or part thereof) in practice, I am spending my life as an artist. Becoming (an artist, a teacher, a human being) is a practice.

I also think about these words in the context of my lil’ procrastination “problem”—I have a tendency when I get overwhelmed by work or intimated by the scope of the project in front of me at any given moment (the overdue book chapters, the rewrites of my show opening in less than a month… you catch my drift…) to go into a bit of a freeze, or maybe “stupor” is a better description- I end up just kind of messing around. Maybe I’ll scroll social media, putz around my office or house—I will not do anything in particular except feel anxious for not doing what needs to be done and then I always feel bad about it. So, something I’ve started doing is, when I catch myself in one of my stupors—I stop and repeat to myself; “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives”—and while it doesn’t always get me back on back on track as far as the project I should be working on– it at least it redirects me to do whatever I am doing with intention– snapping me out of the procrastination spiral of avoidance and guilt. Do I really want scrolling social media to be something that I spend my life doing? Nope. So, reminding myself that how I spend my days is how I spend my life encourages me to think twice about picking up my phone for the 100^th time that day and to pick up a book instead. Or if that is too much effort to sit in my backyard examining the first sign of spring popping up in my garden or to get up from my desk and take a lap around campus. These are all things that I would much rather spend my life doing- and breaking the procrastination stupor is the first step in getting back to my practice – the writing, the rehearsing, the art-making- I get to choose, and this is how I spend my life.

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I love Birthdays (hold the parties)

I love not only that April Fools’ Day is my actual birthday but that it usually falls on or around Easter—because Lord knows, I love a good resurrection—(the whole rebirth, rise from the dead theme is right on brand for me) but then pair that with the whole day of foolishness theme? Give me a break! I could not ask for a better day on which to celebrate the day I first appeared on Earth.

I love birthdays in general but not for the obvious reasons – the whole party thing for example is not my thing. As my drawing and accompanying caption (see above) written 50 years ago in my grade one “primary journal” attests—I am much more an intimate affair kind of gal. Give me a quiet -ish gathering (in the case of my 7^th birthday- 2 friends was the magic number). Something small and low-key, thank you very much. As I so astutely observed in my notebook; “it was fun. I liked it.” I recall one of my bigger birthday bashes- I must have been turning 9 or 10 and my mum had arranged for me and my guests to go see the movie Charlotte’s Web. I can’t remember how many kids were invited but I am guessing probably six or seven– not a huge affair by any stretch of the imagination but plenty big enough. What I remember about that particular party is that after we returned home from the theatre for cake as we were gathered around the kitchen table, everyone began to sing “Happy Birthday” to me and out of nowhere I just burst into tears. I remember being really confused as to why I was crying and for years I think I equated parties to the anxiety of being the centre of attention (I know, I know I am a freakin’ performer so how does that make any sense?? But, there is a big difference between real-world attention and non-performance attention…) Anyway as I write this I am beginning to wonder if I was really just feeling overwhelmed about the ending to Charlotte’s web- I mean, Wilbur’s monologue at the end? When he’s talking to Charlotte’s kids telling them what an awesome friend their mother and they say it would take them a lifetime to be as great as she was and he says “A lifetime, that’s what we have…” Gah! Heartbreaking! Anyway, whatever the reason for my birthday breakdown, parties have never much been my thing. That’s not to say I don’t LOVE all the messages and calls from my kids and friends–folks from across the globe I’ve been getting today—I absolutely cherish that part of birthdays. (Just don’t show up all at once and sing Happy Birthday to me as I hover over a spider-themed birthday cake.)

But! Back to the rebirth and resurrection theme of my April 1^st birthday—now THIS I am fully onboard with. The reflecting on the year gone by, the goal setting and dreaming and scheming for the year ahead— What am I grateful for? What lessons did I learn? What parts of me will I bring forward and what parts of me will I choose to leave behind? How can I rise up to meet the new and improved me? I will spend a blissful time this evening with my journal- but first I am being taken out for supper to my favourite burger joint by my ol’ man and youngest son. It will be fun. I will like it. And if I am to burst into tears I will remind myself that it’s OK to take the time I need to shed a few tears on my birthday because… a lifetime, that’s all we have.

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Never Too Late

I received these two postcards from my 93-year-old dad this week, one for St Patrick’s Day- on which he had written “Enjoy St Paddy Day Regards Dad”(sic) and the other for my birthday (that is still a little over a week away) reading “Have a Good Day Love-Dad”. Finding these in my mailbox was such an unexpected but beautiful surprise. My Dad never wrote cards or bought gifts—that was my Mum’s job. And when she became unable to manage the gift buying and card distribution because of her descent into dementia he didn’t step up or into the role of gift buyer or card sender (even though he has a very sharp memory and remembers everyone’s birthday). Rather, he has been in the habit of reminding me as every single birthday or holiday was approaching “don’t expect anything- I don’t do gifts or cards!” At Christmas he still gets a solid pile of cards from friends and family and when I go out there for a visit I always take the opportunity to read through them all commenting on how nice they are, but his response has always been “well I hope they don’t expect anything in return!” So, you can imagine my delight in seeing these two cards with his shaky block letter handwriting on them.

What comes up for me is the reminder that we can permit ourselves to change- to step into roles we had previously written off for ourselves. I hold ‘growth’ as one of my core values– and that notion can mean SO many things- big and small– but, I am certainly inspired by my dad’s “growth spurt” – sending these cards for the first time at 93 years of age.
“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” —George Eliot, novelist

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Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself…(but what if I think I am kinda okay?)

I am currently reading Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One by Dr. .Joe Dispenza, and as a dedicated meditator and someone who is pretty committed to working on my mindset (as well as an unabashed self-help book junkie), I have to say that I am finding that it is giving me a deepened perspective and understanding of how our thoughts create our reality and how by changing our thoughts and limiting beliefs (through meditation) we can change our reality. I have been employing similar principles in my life for several years now and have experienced profound results. However, what keeps rubbing me the wrong way is the title and what I see as the hook that he uses throughout the book: “If you want a new outcome, you will have to break the habit of being yourself and reinvent a new self.” Perhaps it is important for me to note that I am currently listening to the book on Audible (I have just ordered a hard copy)–so maybe in my early morning dog-walking haze, I am missing something, but this message that we need to change who we are in order to better ourselves is the message I am getting at present). Trust me, I am fully on board with the notion that we can get stuck in our limiting beliefs and thoughts which lead us to weave these thoughts into our identity. For example, I have experienced the cycle of “I will never be able to do “XWZ” because I am so ______(fill in the blank) rabbit-hole of mindset. However, how I started to turn things around for myself was by taking the position that we all already possess the potential to be the highest version of ourselves – it’s all there- it’s our birthright–it’s just a matter of figuring out what is holding us back and inhibiting us from stepping into our higher selves. In fact, it’s how I approach my voice pedagogy – especially working with beginners (or really, those with LOTS of very structured voice training similarly respond well to this approach)—You must start with the notion that everything you require to be the highest version of yourself is already there—therefore the “work” is to mine it, uncover it, reveal it. To me, there is less shame involved—I am not “bad”; I don’t need to erase who I am and become someone else. By starting with “I am enough” and “this is me” I can summon the required courage to allow myself to discover and ultimately lean into the highest version of myself. I am ALL for reinventing yourself but as far I am concerned the key is in the re-invention – we are not starting from scratch, but rather searching for a new version. Me 2.0.

I am still a work in progress by the way so I’ll report back when I’ve got it all figured out. It’ll be me, hopefully. Just better.

Note: This photo was taken in one of my early morning dog-walking hazes, it is a state that I quite enjoy.

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In Search of My Mother’s Garden

I am patiently planning a vegetable garden. I genuinely don’t know what I am doing, but the anticipation to get on with it is killing me- Having lived the past seven years in Quebec, you would think I would be used to long winters. Still, Eastern Canadian winters have nothing on a Prairie winter, and I am, after all, a west coast gal through and through, so I find myself on April 24 DESPERATE for it to be Spring already. The snow from last week’s storm has pretty much melted, but the ground is too hard and crunchy to work, and the temperatures are still dipping below zero overnight and haven’t even approached double digits yet. My ol’ man came out from Montréal last week for Easter, and we had foolishly thought we would be able to get the yard prepared- but a “Colorado Clipper” had other plans, so now, he has had to return East, and I am left to do it on my own. I am (somewhat) hopeful but a little overwhelmed with how this will get done. I know that even the modest little plot I am planning will be a lot of hard work. I am on a budget. And except for the teenagers whom I will do my best to bribe with some of the heavy lifting, I am on my own. It is really not such a big deal—a bazillion folks have done it before – my Mother, for example. She was a farm girl by birth and always had a fabulously luscious plot in our backyard growing up (and then bountiful container gardens when we moved into a townhouse)- she is both an inspiration and the model gardener I fear I will never be. She’s set the bar high.

I have already decided that I will devote some serious time to this project. I am submitting the paperwork to request my summer vacation tomorrow and I have booked some days off to devote to gardening around the May long weekend when (I have been told) one must get your planting done in Saskatchewan. Taking vacation dates to garden feels strange to me and, to be honest, positively decadent. Last year, my first year working a real full-time job, I didn’t even use all my vacation days- meaning I have even more to use up this year. I am still getting used to getting paid to take holidays. Paid vacations were one of the reasons I so badly wanted a TT job; however, after 10+ years working as an adjunct, I still feel like I am getting away with something by actually taking them.

I recently read one of those inspirational quotes that I am so partial to—something about taking stock of what you have right now, reminding yourself that the things you have now were once the things you dreamed about having. This is certainly very true for me, as these past couple of years saw me hitting some important goals. Finishing my PhD landing a TT job, buying a house, getting a dog(!) and planting a garden were all on this list, so I think in true “go-big-or-go-home-Holmes” style, I am putting a lot of pressure on myself to realise the garden of my dreams like one of those charming urban homestead gardens I see on Instagram or TikTok– (note to self; get the H-E-double hockey sticks off social media) when I should really just take a do-what you-can- enjoy-the-process type of approach.
I’ve let this whole garden business get bigger than what it is. I’m fretting over whether I deserve to take the time to tend it; I’m worried it will never live up to my Mum’s—And so I will place my hope in Alice Walker’s words; “In search of my Mother’s garden, I found my own”.

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THIS IS 55

This is 55.

Yesterday was my birthday. April 1. (A new moon!) I am happy….

I am happy despite.

Despite the fact that my ol’man and more than half my kids are not here in the same city as me.

Despite the guilt I feel over being far away from my elderly parents.

Despite the sadness I feel over the strife in our extended family—fractured by conflicting ideologies and resentment.

Despite the bills, and the never-ending financial juggle

Despite the heart-wrenching doom-scroll-inducing news that leaves me feeling helpless.

Despite all that.

I love that I can be content just sitting on the couch with my dog.

I love the light in this house, the books piled up on my coffee table, the cat’s assortment of cardboard boxes, my plants. Coffee.

I love that I am figuring out (after 55 years) that happiness doesn’t have to be and/or.

I can be happy, despite.

It is, in fact, OKAY to be happy despite,

That complicated and content can sit side-by-side.

This is 55.

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No Instructions Needed

I came across Lalah Delia’s book Vibrate Higher Daily after reading an article on her in Yoga Journal. I liked the whole message of identifying the things in your life that raise you up to be a better self and exploring ways of nurturing these energies over the negative ones that always seem to find a way of taking us over. The overarching message is that we must develop methods to open ourselves to our highest potential by cultivating not only a more meaningful life but a healthier one. All things I can get behind.
However, the book was somewhat disappointing as somehow, I expected there to be a more comprehensive method offered—like… do X, Y and Z and you will MASTER the art of higher vibrations! But instead, Delia offers the obvious advice ; avoid toxic people, eat healthy food, keep a journal etc. The basics for a woo-woo warrior like myself Truly, the only take-away for me came from my own ruminations of the title itself which, I have since been using as a kind of mantra or reminder on regular basis. HOW can I raise my vibration on a daily basis? What are the negative energies in my life right now and how can I increase and choose the nurturing ones over the negative ones? I keep a running list—and on days when I am struggling with… anything really— I’ll simply remind myself that I have so many things that I can choose to engage with that can switch up how I am moving through the day. Things like; getting outside to be near water (I am lucky enough to have a lake within walking distance of both my home and my office on campus) – or, brewing a cup of coffee and reading a book (for pleasure!) for 20 minutes in the middle of the day… simple pleasure that go a long way. It is a living document and I continue to add to my “Things That I Turn to When I Need to Up my Vibration-Game” list – for example a few weeks ago, I had the chance to go see some live music. It had been, of course at least 18 months since I had been to any kind of concert and I was hesitant- (Ugh! Going out after dinner! Seeing people! What if I don’t like it?) But the featured performer was the daughter of a colleague AND it was just a few blocks from my house – the audience would be distanced and masked– I had very little in the way of leverage as far as my excuses went. So, I left my home AFTER DINNER (!)

The singer was Kyrie Kristmanson a Canadian Singer-songwriter (from Regina!) now living in France. Her music is somewhat hard to define but I would describe it as “alt-folk-contemporary- chanteuse” and I was enchanted. Vibrations were raised. She was charming, her voice captivating, the music mesmerizing. In fact, the hour I put in sitting in the audience that evening was enough to raise my vibration for a day or two after. “Attend concerts” was added to THE list.
So, I guess, (for me anyway) there really isn’t any kind of method or set of instructions in this regard. The whole “vibrate higher daily” idea- in practice- is more intentional than just “do what makes you feel good” obviously. It goes far beyond instant gratification which tends to lower vibrations instead of raise them (think- wolfing down a package of cookies or mindlessly scrolling on social media 2 of my personal “favourites) and instead, is about how daily actions can reverberate and sustain. The walk by the water calms me physically, the break to have a coffee and read restores me mentally and seeing live music inspires me. All things that lead to me live at my “highest potential”– no instruction manual required.

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That’s Dr. Bad*ss to you…

I somehow managed to resist Jen Sincero’s Badass books for a considerable time— (You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life was published in 2013, You are A Badass at Making Money: Master the Mindset of Wealth in 2017, You Are a Badass Everyday: How to Keep Your Motivation Strong, Your Vibe High, and Your Quest for Transformation Unstoppable in 2018 and Badass Habits: Cultivate the Awareness, Boundaries, and Daily Upgrades You Need to Make Them Stick in 2020. Yes- I have read them all). I finally picked up the first one in January of this year and then promptly devoured each and every one of them. I’ll be honest, I totally held out because of the cuss word in the title. I am certainly not a puritan or Goody Two-Shoes – But then again, I do try hard not to fall into what I consider the cheap trick of using swear words to get attention. Don’t get me wrong—I use them, daily… But, I also attempt to be somewhat creative in that respect by at least inserting a homonym or two or swearing in another language- which somehow seems slightly more sophisticated. More importantly, however, I did not want to ever be caught toting a book with the word “badass” emblazoned on it in through the halls of academia or worse yet have it be visible on the bookcase behind me in a Zoom call- potentially blowing my carefully maintained woo-woo cover.
But I finally caved and in short order was hooked on all things badass-ery.

Jen Sincero is not what I would describe as a good writer per se, there is nothing poetic or particularly gripping about the prose but, I do not think that is the point of the book. Each of them reads more like a series of motivational texts or emails from a good friend or, more specifically, a coach, because in fact, that is what Sincero is, an in-demand ‘Success Coach’.
The books draw heavily on experiences from her own life, particularly the major changes she made in her early 40’s when she went from being a broke freelance writer living in a garage to the highly successful business woman she is now. Additionally, she includes plenty of “if they can do it so can you” stories from her clients. She is irreverent, she can be funny but her message is not necessarily new, and she does not pretend that she is offering something totally original. What she does offer is advice that is clear, straightforward and totally without sugar coating; Work hard. Believe in yourself. Never give up. She also offers simple and clear ‘instructions’ on how you too can transform your life. Changing your mindset and “if you can dream it- you can be it” is at the core of her message. How she suggests this may be achieved includes the practices of meditation, daily affirmations and manifestation techniques. Some examples of her advice;

“If you’re serious about changing your life, you’ll find a way. If you’re not, you’ll find an excuse.”

“So often, we pretend we’ve made a decision, when what we’ve really done is signed up to try until it gets too uncomfortable.”

“Our thoughts become our words, our words become our beliefs, our beliefs become our actions, our actions become our habits, and our habits become our realities.”

Maybe it is all timing… everything Sincero is selling is what I need to hear at this particular time in my life as I embark on a new chapter– Even if it is coming from that loudmouth coach’s voice in my ear, urging me to keep going, to not give up, telling me I am indeed a bad*ss. Whatever cheap tricks might be working- I’ll take ’em!

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Guilty as Charged

I am not a big fan of the whole “guilty pleasure” trope- I have come to this conclusion, I am certain, with age, maturity, and just the whole “feeling comfortable in my own skin” that living for 50+ years may have gifted me. I have no problem declaring my love for nerdy past times like reading and birdwatching (although I am pretty sure it is ‘hip to be square’ these days and if you don’t get that reference it means you are probably considerably younger than me) but I have detected a slight shift in my comfort level in sharing a particular ‘guilty pleasure’ in the context of my life as an academic and that is, my penchant for self-help books. You see, it’s not just that I am prone to picking up one or two throughout the year and flipping through them nonchalantly- I am, in fact, a bit of a connoisseur of the genre. And-I have been fairly underground about the whole thing– even going so far as to NOT include them on my Goodreads yearly “Reading Challenge” list! (That is going to change!) But, at any given moment I have a significant TBR pile (see photo below for just a very FEW that are currently in front of me…at this moment– and these don’t even include the ones on my Kobo or in my Audible library- Shout out to Thrift Books who keep me in good supply and save me from sending my family into complete financial ruin with my booking buying habit ). Some, for whatever reason, trigger more embarrassment than others. Brené Brown for example is an academic so I figure had more ‘street-cred’ while Gabby Bernstein has “only” a bachelors degree in Theatre (and how horrible that I would have any kind of judgement against her for THAT?!). My dear friend, who also happens to be a freshly minted PhD woman of a certain age shares my appetite for all things “woo-woo” (as we like to call it) which I must say helps me feel not so alone in my obsession (I will not ‘out’ her here in case she too feels the academic pressure to reject all ‘woo’.) mostly because she is wicked-smart and super-talented which gives me some validation that you can read the woo and be a ‘serious’ academic at the same time.

On my walk this morning, while listening to the audio book version of Gretchen Rubin’s Better than Before, it occurred to me that documenting some of the key findings from these book might actually help me process the information better and/or just help me remember who said what- so, I am going to give that a go and over the next few weeks ‘review’ (because that’s what an academic does, right?!) some of my favourite self-help books.

Long live the woo.

Bring it.

I’m back at the blog- due in part to having a bit of space to write (Hello global pandemic! Hello quarantine!) but also because I was feeling the urge to start documenting, for myself, some big shifts coming down the pipe.

On February 26, 2020, I passed my Viva (Dr Holmes IN THE HOUSE!) — AND, on that very same day, I signed an offer for a Tenure Track Professor job. It is still unbelievable to me that those two things came together on THE SAME DAY. But they did. These two dreams, goals, thorns in my side…

I first got the inkling that I wanted to “be” in academia in 2009. Most of my life between 1992 and 2009 revolved around being a stay-home Mum. I did some professional gigs and maintained a private teaching studio throughout those 17 years but my main focus was the kids. But when the youngest was around 2-years old I starting thinking there was more I wanted to be doing. I remember the moment I saw the posting for the part-time position that would be my first job teaching at a university. I knew in that instant that that’s what I wanted to be doing. So, with only a BFA under my belt (and some professional experience to my credit) I stumbled into a part-time position at a small university.

My first class is etched in my memory. I had to teach private voice classes in a science lab. Certainly not what I would describe as a dream job, BUT— I just knew it was where I wanted to be- I loved the students, the energy, the curiosity, the digging into, the searching, the figuring things out… all of it.

Within two years of starting there, I began my MFA —a low residency programme that allowed me to complete my degree as I continued to teach. By the time I graduated, in true “go big or go home” style, I had already set my sights on a PhD.

It has been a looooooong, hard 7 years. There have been many MANY bumps along the road. These have included almost every roadblock that the “how to survive your PhD” self-help books have listed as things that may derail your studies. These include (but are not limited to) a death in the family, my husband’s battle with cancer, (all-clear for the last 2 years!) caring for my mother during her descent into Alzheimer’s disease, 5 other family member’s hospitalizations, a cross country move, juggling multiple part-time teaching jobs… oh, and did I mention I was living in Canada but travelling to the UK to attend university(?!) AND, is it no wonder that on top of all this I received a Revise and Resubmit result on my first thesis submission?

You know that; “Nevertheless she persisted””

Yup.

Perseverance in the face of all the obstacles I faced (I didn’t even mention the ageism and sexism I was faced with) was, without a doubt, my greatest (and sometimes only) asset through the whole thing.

And so here I am. At 53 years of age, I am stepping into a whole new chapter. I am thrilled. I’m excited. I am maybe a little scared- but not too much. Mostly I am revelling in the opportunity.

I am ready to get going. One gift that I have been able to squeeze out of 7 weeks of quarantine is the time and space to prepare for this new chapter. I sort of feel like I’m living a kind of prologue right now. I’ve been focusing on readying myself; physically, mentally and emotionally, to charge ahead, full steamahead.

Bring it.

Phd