Dr. Mamalegato

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Summer Inspirations Part 4: Debbie Millman’s “The Remarkable Life Deck”

Goal setting has long been a practice that I have used in my creative and academic careers as well as my personal life—I have big goals, little goals and all sorts in between. I write them down, I revise them regularly and I break them down into actionable tasks, (Thanks to skills I learned in James Clear’s Atomic Habits). Alongside my goal-setting practice I use affirmations (every single day!) to work on my mindset—doing this has helped me immensely and allowed me to believe that I can reach the goals I’ve set for myself but also as motivation to do the work needed. A significant tactic that I have added to my goal-setting toolkit in the last 5 years or so is visualization. I started using it consciously (because I think it is something we do quite often unconsciously as we dream about the things we want or what we would like to achieve) near the end of my PhD journey as a last-ditch effort to pull myself through. I was desperate. I was heading into my 7th year, and I was physically and mentally exhausted, broke, and after my Viva (the equivalent to a defense in North America) where I received ”Revise and Resubmit” (which basically translates to “do or die) I had to make big shifts to just get it done. This is when I began adding visualization exercises to my meditation practice in an attempt to get enough momentum to supersede my crippling impostor syndrome and get myself across the finish line.

One of the main images I used in my visualization this time was of myself in my graduation regalia complete with the Tudor Bonnet (specifically worn by PhDs in the UK. But, not only would I visualize myself wearing it–I would focus on what it felt like to be wearing it—I would imagine my name being called at the graduation ceremony, I would imagine what shoes I was wearing as I walked across the stage–really leaning into all the sensations I could muster. Similarly, when I was interviewing for academic jobs I would visualize myself walking down the hallway of a university with a lanyard of keys in my hand as if I already had the jobs and I was rushing off to a meeting or class. I would see/feel myself walking with purpose and confidence (with a little bit of swagger)—I could hear my footsteps and the jingling of keys. I was using my imagination to put myself there.

This technique of course is nothing new, athletes have long used it–I’ve been watching the Olympics these past few weeks and loved watching the track athletes in particular as they are preparing for their events—you can see on their faces that they are visualizing their event—going through the paces in their mind and imagining their desired outcome. What I realized when I began integrating visualization into my goal setting was that it gave the goal clarity. It’s all well and good to want something but being absolutely clear about what that goal is – what it looks and feels like makes moving towards that goal much more real.

Studies have shown that we activate the same neural networks in our brains by simply visualizing ourselves doing something than we do by actually doing the thing. By creating clarity and detailed mental pictures I have found that both my focus on the goal as well as my motivation to do the work to reach the goal increase exponentially.

Enter Debbie Millman’s “The Remarkable Life Deck”. Described as “30 cards with generative prompts, an instructional booklet, and a workbook for creating your ten-year plan” I bought this months ago and never quite had the chance to commit to it until this past July. For an academic summer can be the perfect time to find some time and space to set (or revise) goals– so, with that in mind, I dove in and worked through the deck choosing one card a day for 30 days to meditate and write on

In an accompanying booklet, Millman (a massively influential designer, artist and educator) writes about how “The Remarkable Life Deck” came to be. She recounts how, during a summer intensive program being prompted by the legendary designer Milton Glaser to “envision the life that they could have if they pursued everything that they wanted, with certainty that they would succeed” by writing in detail about one day as their best and future self, an hour by hour account including everything they have ever dared to dream. Millman immersed herself in the exercise dreaming bigger than she had ever before and came away from the experience empowered and transformed. She recounts how she came across the essay one year later and was shocked to see some of the dreams had been accomplished, at four years in many more had manifested and more were in progress—by the 10-year mark a whopping 80 percent had materialized. She was sold on the power of visualization and began including this exercise in her teaching practice and naturally, as a designer this led to her creating the deck.

I’ve had a blast working through the cards—answering questions like “What are you telling yourself you can’t do that you can?” ”Describe your physical self” and “What does your home look like?”—They are thought-provoking and beautiful to look like – They have pushed me to see the big picture and expand my vision of what I truly desire the next 10 years to look like. I plan to come back to re-read my responses annually—checking in every July perhaps as I watch my remarkable life unfold.

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Summer Inspirations Part 3

Yoga Practice Elevation

In the spirit of my Summer Inspiration “series,” I am reflecting on my yoga journey and how it inspires and supports me as an artist (particularly a voice-centric artist), an academic and just a regular ol’ human.

Here I am practicing yoga on the beach. Just kidding it's freakin' Eartha Kitt!!

Above is a photo of me practicing yoga on the beach… Just kidding, it’s freakin’ Eartha Kitt!!

I have practiced yoga regularly for quite some time now (10, 15 years? I am not quite sure). I have, at times been somewhat serious about it- attending classes regularly and then at other times, like this past year I have resorted to doing just a sliver of practice – 5-10 minutes a day—although I will give myself props for being consistent as I have been pretty faithful to attending to this itty-bitty practice every single day. One of my goals going into this summer was to reignite my practice- to really dig in and go somewhere with it, to grow instead of just stringing my practice along—to feel stronger, more flexible and more focused overall.

My local yoga studio (Bodhi Tree Yoga) runs a promotion called the Summer Sizzler where for approximately $130 you can attend unlimited classes throughout July and August– a heck of a deal… and given that the studio is two blocks from my home (greatly diminishing any roadblocks in me getting there)—I bought the pass and made a goal to get to minimum 3 classes a week. So far, I have hit that mark.

Integrating yoga into one’s practice as an actor and particularly one who centres voice in their practice is not a new concept. Leading voice practitioners and acting teachers have been doing it for years. I am a certified teacher of Fitzmaurice Voicework, a method of voice training for performance developed by Catherine Fitzmaurice that uses modified yoga postures in its exercises. It is a methodology aimed at revealing each person’s unique voice and centres on exercises that may reveal a free and flexible voice capable of communicating with full expression and without excess effort. So as a teacher and practitioner, I come in contact with yoga regularly, coupled with my daily itty-bitty home practice and I guess you can say that yoga is fairly entrenched into my life. But, somehow I always feel like a bit of a sham, like I am not “good enough at it” and that I don’t really know enough about it. To confront these self-imposed notions I have made an intention to elevate my practice over the summer. To move beyond my itty-bitty practice, to learn more and to embody my practice more fully. One month in and I can safely say that “practice elevation” has occurred! I am indeed feeling not only more confident, but more curious, and generally really jazzed about yoga, my practice and the possibilities that arise every time I step on the mat.

Here are three of the lessons I have learned on the mat so far;

Consistency is everything. In order to grow in anything we may choose to do, you must be dedicated to showing up over and over and over again, regularly, and consistently. I recently saw a quote by the inimitable Bruce Lee saying “Long-term consistency beats short-term intensity” and while I want to say nowhere is that more evident than in the yoga studio, the truth is it holds up for many facets of life as an artist, a writer and an academic. Show up, do the work, “results” or growth will follow. Of course, I know this and I preach this to my students on the regular—but, there is something about knowing it on a bodily level—actually experiencing it that makes it a massively valuable reminder.

No One Cares. No one is watching you in class and judging you for wobbling or falling out of Tree Pose or for not being able to get your head to your knees in Seated Forward Bend—And if someone IS watching/judging… I am immediately reminded of the adage “What other people think of me is none of my business”. Similarly, I have given up comparing myself to anyone else in class—I simply do not care what the person next to me can or cannot do. Kudos to Bhodi Tree Yoga for creating such a safe, accepting space (I mean the whole vibe of the place is very 1970s granola which I LOVE).

I am capable of doing hard things. Many of the poses in class are hard for me, like I will hear, see and understand what the teacher is instructing me to do but my body won’t respond in the way I want it to. There was a time when I would have said “I’m just not good at this or “This is impossible.”, However, what I have discovered is that there are ALWAYS options; modify the pose, use a prop, move into an alternate pose… AND there is no shame in using any of these options, one way is not better than another so truly, nothing is impossible. I have been actively practicing this on the mat this month—tuning in when my body/mind needs a good nudge and a shot of courage and similarly asking myself “What are my options here? How can I get to where I want to go”- THIS (I am reminded!) is how I get hard things done.

I’m excited for the next four weeks—despite having a pile of work to attend to–research and writing projects piling up, syllabi to be written, I am so grateful to have the flexibility in my schedule to commit to my “summer of yoga” project. Ultimately, I aim to get so hooked on my new elevated yoga practice that I will just have to make getting out to 3 classes a week work in my schedule during the academic year—That means EVEN in the darkest and most frigid days of winter where leaving the house after dinner seems like the most monumental of tasks– I will long for it enough to trudge the 2 blocks in the wicked winter weather to class.

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Summer Inspiration Part 2: Walking

I am including my morning walks in my little series on summer inspirations even though my morning walks are not necessarily specific to the summer– I am pretty dedicated to them all year round—however, I love my summer walks best of all and am definitely most inspired by them– not only because I don’t have to deal with -40C temperatures and stumbling around the icy streets in the dark, but mostly because I have so much more time. With a much more flexible schedule in the summer, I can luxuriate in longer daily walks and linger over the little inspirational treasures I come across every day.

Countless studies espouse the benefits of incorporating daily walks into our schedules. In recent years the whole “sitting is the new smoking” campaign made its rounds and the “I am going for a stupid little walk for my stupid mental health” memes were popping up ad nauseam on our social media feeds. However, it is obviously one thing to know what’s good for us and it’s another to do it. My walking habit really set in during the pandemic when I was literally going for a “stupid little walk for my stupid mental health”– getting up and out of the house for 90-minute walks before having to face a whole day online—and, I just have never broken the habit of these ultra-early morning rambles. Save for when I am travelling and my schedule is somewhat off–I get up and out every day–usually, around 5:00/5:30 AM when the neighbourhood is mostly quiet. I love hearing the first flight of the day leaving from YQR and the trains rumbling through town. I see and hear all sorts of birds, see beavers in the creek, and coyotes running alongside it and just recently saw a deer (obviously lost, poor thing) scampering through the back alleys of the Crescents.

I love my early morning walks so much that just the anticipation of them prevents me from sleeping in—even if I try- I do not use an alarm clock –I am just up and at ‘em at the crack of dawn (or before!) itching to get out the door, which makes my dog a very happy boy. Even in the winter! I just pull my snow pants and ankle-length winter coat on right over my pyjamas—and while the winter outings are usually considerably shorter I get out nonetheless.

My walks give me so much more than just physical exercise – they allow me to clear my mind, sort through ideas, conundrums or anything, really. I sometimes listen to audiobooks,and when I was rehearsing for a show recently I listened to a recording of myself reciting my lines to aid in my memorization process, often however I chose specifically to go just with my thoughts.

There are countless articles and books written on the topic of famous writers and how walking was or is central to their writing processes as well, there are many writers who centre nature as their muse (some of my favs include Henry David Thoreau, Mary Oliver and Ross Gay). I do it for all those reasons and more. Physical exercise, mental clarity and a healthy dose of nature to help regulate my nervous system…yes, please!

This summer I have made it one of my projects to incorporate more walking throughout my day. Seeing as I am doing a lot of sitting on my tush as I stare at my computer fighting my way through quite a sizable writing project – I know from experience that stepping away from the screen on the regular to get my body moving is pretty much a guarantee that my writing brain will refresh and reboot.

Walking as inspiration.

Early morning on Wascana Creek, Regina SK.

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Summer is for Exploring

At the end of the Winter semester, I often have students ask me what they can be doing over the summer to keep their artistic practice growing and moving forward and besides the obvious advice to try and keep their vocal and physical practices consistent, I always encourage folks to get out and see/experience as much as they can- go to galleries, walk in nature, read, read, read! Be open to new ideas and invite inspiration wherever possible– look beyond your discipline, step into worlds you wouldn’t normally inhabit, or even those you just don’t have time for during the regular academic year.

In that spirit, I thought I would share some of the things I have encountered this summer that I have found particularly inspiring and I will start with one of my favourite books of my year so far; “Old in Art School” by Dr. Nell Irvine Painter.

This memoir follows Dr. Painter’s journey as she retires from Princeton University where she had a hugely influential and celebrated career as a historian and details her decision to return to school in her sixties as an undergraduate student to complete a BFA in painting and then her subsequent journey into grad school completing an MFA at the Rhode Island School of Design. Besides her observations on how rampant racism, ageism and sexism are in both the academy and the art world, she keenly dissects the notion that only those who are deemed talented and/or possessing that “it” factor may identify as a “real” artist and all the baggage that those of us who dare to identify as artists must unpack in this regard. She goes on to explore the gatekeeping that is so prevalent the crippling impostor syndrome that more often than not accompanies one’s journey through grad school and the life of an emerging artist.

I could relate to Painter’s story on so many levels – although I am a middle-class white woman (which gives me a certain level of privilege) I can attest to the unbridled ageism and sexism I faced– not so much during my MFA (completed in my early 40’s) but throughout my PhD (started in my late 40’s and completed in my early 50’s). I have SO many stories (which I will save for another time!) and to be honest, still face today as an artist and academic. In truth, (and at the risk of sounding overly dramatic here) working through the challenges that my intersectionality score as a woman in her fifties placed me at, as I fought to establish myself in academia and continue to grow as an artist has become a huge healing journey for me. Additionally, Painter’s account of her struggles in caring for her aging parents while trying to juggle the responsibilities of grad school— (all of which I faced) were so. very. relatable.

I can’t remember how this book ended up on my radar but just a few months ago I had made a note of it on my “want to read” Goodreads list and then promptly forgot about it–Until last week, when I was at the Dunlop Art Gallery at the Regina Public Library to see the Leesa Streifler exhibit; “She is Present”. Considered one of Canada’s preeminent feminist artists Streifler’s exhibit is described on the RPL website as a “series of mixed media drawings, [where] she explores the aesthetics of aging female bodies and how they are perceived in a culture consumed with youthful beauty and ability.” It is extraordinary and again, so. very. relatable. Streifler centres her own lived experience in her practice (as I aim to do) and I truly felt “seen” recognizing bits and pieces of my own experience on the canvas- at times embarrassed/ashamed and at other times empowered/ “no fucks given”.

I include an image of Streifler’s “Speaking up” it spoke (no pun intended) loud and clear and vicerely to me.

In one of those fabulous moments of happenstance, I spied Painter’s book amongst a shelf of books near the entrance of the gallery curated to connect with the exhibit. I snatched it up and took it home and devoured it. A perfect moment of inspiration begetting inspiration!

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How We Spend Our Days

“How we, spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” ~Annie Dillard, The Writing Life

I think about this quote all. the. time.

It makes sense to me in so many contexts.

I share it with my students when emphasizing that what we are exploring in class are not just skills you learn and then put into your back pocket only to whip out when needed. What we are learning and exploring in class is a practice– And we can only ever grow and improve as artists by being in practice, always. “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” If I spend my day (or part thereof) in practice, I am spending my life as an artist. Becoming (an artist, a teacher, a human being) is a practice.

I also think about these words in the context of my lil’ procrastination “problem”—I have a tendency when I get overwhelmed by work or intimated by the scope of the project in front of me at any given moment (the overdue book chapters, the rewrites of my show opening in less than a month… you catch my drift…) to go into a bit of a freeze, or maybe “stupor” is a better description- I end up just kind of messing around. Maybe I’ll scroll social media, putz around my office or house—I will not do anything in particular except feel anxious for not doing what needs to be done and then I always feel bad about it. So, something I’ve started doing is, when I catch myself in one of my stupors—I stop and repeat to myself; “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives”—and while it doesn’t always get me back on back on track as far as the project I should be working on– it at least it redirects me to do whatever I am doing with intention– snapping me out of the procrastination spiral of avoidance and guilt. Do I really want scrolling social media to be something that I spend my life doing? Nope. So, reminding myself that how I spend my days is how I spend my life encourages me to think twice about picking up my phone for the 100^th time that day and to pick up a book instead. Or if that is too much effort to sit in my backyard examining the first sign of spring popping up in my garden or to get up from my desk and take a lap around campus. These are all things that I would much rather spend my life doing- and breaking the procrastination stupor is the first step in getting back to my practice – the writing, the rehearsing, the art-making- I get to choose, and this is how I spend my life.

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I love Birthdays (hold the parties)

I love not only that April Fools’ Day is my actual birthday but that it usually falls on or around Easter—because Lord knows, I love a good resurrection—(the whole rebirth, rise from the dead theme is right on brand for me) but then pair that with the whole day of foolishness theme? Give me a break! I could not ask for a better day on which to celebrate the day I first appeared on Earth.

I love birthdays in general but not for the obvious reasons – the whole party thing for example is not my thing. As my drawing and accompanying caption (see above) written 50 years ago in my grade one “primary journal” attests—I am much more an intimate affair kind of gal. Give me a quiet -ish gathering (in the case of my 7^th birthday- 2 friends was the magic number). Something small and low-key, thank you very much. As I so astutely observed in my notebook; “it was fun. I liked it.” I recall one of my bigger birthday bashes- I must have been turning 9 or 10 and my mum had arranged for me and my guests to go see the movie Charlotte’s Web. I can’t remember how many kids were invited but I am guessing probably six or seven– not a huge affair by any stretch of the imagination but plenty big enough. What I remember about that particular party is that after we returned home from the theatre for cake as we were gathered around the kitchen table, everyone began to sing “Happy Birthday” to me and out of nowhere I just burst into tears. I remember being really confused as to why I was crying and for years I think I equated parties to the anxiety of being the centre of attention (I know, I know I am a freakin’ performer so how does that make any sense?? But, there is a big difference between real-world attention and non-performance attention…) Anyway as I write this I am beginning to wonder if I was really just feeling overwhelmed about the ending to Charlotte’s web- I mean, Wilbur’s monologue at the end? When he’s talking to Charlotte’s kids telling them what an awesome friend their mother and they say it would take them a lifetime to be as great as she was and he says “A lifetime, that’s what we have…” Gah! Heartbreaking! Anyway, whatever the reason for my birthday breakdown, parties have never much been my thing. That’s not to say I don’t LOVE all the messages and calls from my kids and friends–folks from across the globe I’ve been getting today—I absolutely cherish that part of birthdays. (Just don’t show up all at once and sing Happy Birthday to me as I hover over a spider-themed birthday cake.)

But! Back to the rebirth and resurrection theme of my April 1^st birthday—now THIS I am fully onboard with. The reflecting on the year gone by, the goal setting and dreaming and scheming for the year ahead— What am I grateful for? What lessons did I learn? What parts of me will I bring forward and what parts of me will I choose to leave behind? How can I rise up to meet the new and improved me? I will spend a blissful time this evening with my journal- but first I am being taken out for supper to my favourite burger joint by my ol’ man and youngest son. It will be fun. I will like it. And if I am to burst into tears I will remind myself that it’s OK to take the time I need to shed a few tears on my birthday because… a lifetime, that’s all we have.

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Never Too Late

I received these two postcards from my 93-year-old dad this week, one for St Patrick’s Day- on which he had written “Enjoy St Paddy Day Regards Dad”(sic) and the other for my birthday (that is still a little over a week away) reading “Have a Good Day Love-Dad”. Finding these in my mailbox was such an unexpected but beautiful surprise. My Dad never wrote cards or bought gifts—that was my Mum’s job. And when she became unable to manage the gift buying and card distribution because of her descent into dementia he didn’t step up or into the role of gift buyer or card sender (even though he has a very sharp memory and remembers everyone’s birthday). Rather, he has been in the habit of reminding me as every single birthday or holiday was approaching “don’t expect anything- I don’t do gifts or cards!” At Christmas he still gets a solid pile of cards from friends and family and when I go out there for a visit I always take the opportunity to read through them all commenting on how nice they are, but his response has always been “well I hope they don’t expect anything in return!” So, you can imagine my delight in seeing these two cards with his shaky block letter handwriting on them.

What comes up for me is the reminder that we can permit ourselves to change- to step into roles we had previously written off for ourselves. I hold ‘growth’ as one of my core values– and that notion can mean SO many things- big and small– but, I am certainly inspired by my dad’s “growth spurt” – sending these cards for the first time at 93 years of age.
“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” —George Eliot, novelist

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Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself…(but what if I think I am kinda okay?)

I am currently reading Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Create a New One by Dr. .Joe Dispenza, and as a dedicated meditator and someone who is pretty committed to working on my mindset (as well as an unabashed self-help book junkie), I have to say that I am finding that it is giving me a deepened perspective and understanding of how our thoughts create our reality and how by changing our thoughts and limiting beliefs (through meditation) we can change our reality. I have been employing similar principles in my life for several years now and have experienced profound results. However, what keeps rubbing me the wrong way is the title and what I see as the hook that he uses throughout the book: “If you want a new outcome, you will have to break the habit of being yourself and reinvent a new self.” Perhaps it is important for me to note that I am currently listening to the book on Audible (I have just ordered a hard copy)–so maybe in my early morning dog-walking haze, I am missing something, but this message that we need to change who we are in order to better ourselves is the message I am getting at present). Trust me, I am fully on board with the notion that we can get stuck in our limiting beliefs and thoughts which lead us to weave these thoughts into our identity. For example, I have experienced the cycle of “I will never be able to do “XWZ” because I am so ______(fill in the blank) rabbit-hole of mindset. However, how I started to turn things around for myself was by taking the position that we all already possess the potential to be the highest version of ourselves – it’s all there- it’s our birthright–it’s just a matter of figuring out what is holding us back and inhibiting us from stepping into our higher selves. In fact, it’s how I approach my voice pedagogy – especially working with beginners (or really, those with LOTS of very structured voice training similarly respond well to this approach)—You must start with the notion that everything you require to be the highest version of yourself is already there—therefore the “work” is to mine it, uncover it, reveal it. To me, there is less shame involved—I am not “bad”; I don’t need to erase who I am and become someone else. By starting with “I am enough” and “this is me” I can summon the required courage to allow myself to discover and ultimately lean into the highest version of myself. I am ALL for reinventing yourself but as far I am concerned the key is in the re-invention – we are not starting from scratch, but rather searching for a new version. Me 2.0.

I am still a work in progress by the way so I’ll report back when I’ve got it all figured out. It’ll be me, hopefully. Just better.

Note: This photo was taken in one of my early morning dog-walking hazes, it is a state that I quite enjoy.

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In Search of My Mother’s Garden

I am patiently planning a vegetable garden. I genuinely don’t know what I am doing, but the anticipation to get on with it is killing me- Having lived the past seven years in Quebec, you would think I would be used to long winters. Still, Eastern Canadian winters have nothing on a Prairie winter, and I am, after all, a west coast gal through and through, so I find myself on April 24 DESPERATE for it to be Spring already. The snow from last week’s storm has pretty much melted, but the ground is too hard and crunchy to work, and the temperatures are still dipping below zero overnight and haven’t even approached double digits yet. My ol’ man came out from Montréal last week for Easter, and we had foolishly thought we would be able to get the yard prepared- but a “Colorado Clipper” had other plans, so now, he has had to return East, and I am left to do it on my own. I am (somewhat) hopeful but a little overwhelmed with how this will get done. I know that even the modest little plot I am planning will be a lot of hard work. I am on a budget. And except for the teenagers whom I will do my best to bribe with some of the heavy lifting, I am on my own. It is really not such a big deal—a bazillion folks have done it before – my Mother, for example. She was a farm girl by birth and always had a fabulously luscious plot in our backyard growing up (and then bountiful container gardens when we moved into a townhouse)- she is both an inspiration and the model gardener I fear I will never be. She’s set the bar high.

I have already decided that I will devote some serious time to this project. I am submitting the paperwork to request my summer vacation tomorrow and I have booked some days off to devote to gardening around the May long weekend when (I have been told) one must get your planting done in Saskatchewan. Taking vacation dates to garden feels strange to me and, to be honest, positively decadent. Last year, my first year working a real full-time job, I didn’t even use all my vacation days- meaning I have even more to use up this year. I am still getting used to getting paid to take holidays. Paid vacations were one of the reasons I so badly wanted a TT job; however, after 10+ years working as an adjunct, I still feel like I am getting away with something by actually taking them.

I recently read one of those inspirational quotes that I am so partial to—something about taking stock of what you have right now, reminding yourself that the things you have now were once the things you dreamed about having. This is certainly very true for me, as these past couple of years saw me hitting some important goals. Finishing my PhD landing a TT job, buying a house, getting a dog(!) and planting a garden were all on this list, so I think in true “go-big-or-go-home-Holmes” style, I am putting a lot of pressure on myself to realise the garden of my dreams like one of those charming urban homestead gardens I see on Instagram or TikTok– (note to self; get the H-E-double hockey sticks off social media) when I should really just take a do-what you-can- enjoy-the-process type of approach.
I’ve let this whole garden business get bigger than what it is. I’m fretting over whether I deserve to take the time to tend it; I’m worried it will never live up to my Mum’s—And so I will place my hope in Alice Walker’s words; “In search of my Mother’s garden, I found my own”.

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THIS IS 55

This is 55.

Yesterday was my birthday. April 1. (A new moon!) I am happy….

I am happy despite.

Despite the fact that my ol’man and more than half my kids are not here in the same city as me.

Despite the guilt I feel over being far away from my elderly parents.

Despite the sadness I feel over the strife in our extended family—fractured by conflicting ideologies and resentment.

Despite the bills, and the never-ending financial juggle

Despite the heart-wrenching doom-scroll-inducing news that leaves me feeling helpless.

Despite all that.

I love that I can be content just sitting on the couch with my dog.

I love the light in this house, the books piled up on my coffee table, the cat’s assortment of cardboard boxes, my plants. Coffee.

I love that I am figuring out (after 55 years) that happiness doesn’t have to be and/or.

I can be happy, despite.

It is, in fact, OKAY to be happy despite,

That complicated and content can sit side-by-side.

This is 55.

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No Instructions Needed

I came across Lalah Delia’s book Vibrate Higher Daily after reading an article on her in Yoga Journal. I liked the whole message of identifying the things in your life that raise you up to be a better self and exploring ways of nurturing these energies over the negative ones that always seem to find a way of taking us over. The overarching message is that we must develop methods to open ourselves to our highest potential by cultivating not only a more meaningful life but a healthier one. All things I can get behind.
However, the book was somewhat disappointing as somehow, I expected there to be a more comprehensive method offered—like… do X, Y and Z and you will MASTER the art of higher vibrations! But instead, Delia offers the obvious advice ; avoid toxic people, eat healthy food, keep a journal etc. The basics for a woo-woo warrior like myself Truly, the only take-away for me came from my own ruminations of the title itself which, I have since been using as a kind of mantra or reminder on regular basis. HOW can I raise my vibration on a daily basis? What are the negative energies in my life right now and how can I increase and choose the nurturing ones over the negative ones? I keep a running list—and on days when I am struggling with… anything really— I’ll simply remind myself that I have so many things that I can choose to engage with that can switch up how I am moving through the day. Things like; getting outside to be near water (I am lucky enough to have a lake within walking distance of both my home and my office on campus) – or, brewing a cup of coffee and reading a book (for pleasure!) for 20 minutes in the middle of the day… simple pleasure that go a long way. It is a living document and I continue to add to my “Things That I Turn to When I Need to Up my Vibration-Game” list – for example a few weeks ago, I had the chance to go see some live music. It had been, of course at least 18 months since I had been to any kind of concert and I was hesitant- (Ugh! Going out after dinner! Seeing people! What if I don’t like it?) But the featured performer was the daughter of a colleague AND it was just a few blocks from my house – the audience would be distanced and masked– I had very little in the way of leverage as far as my excuses went. So, I left my home AFTER DINNER (!)

The singer was Kyrie Kristmanson a Canadian Singer-songwriter (from Regina!) now living in France. Her music is somewhat hard to define but I would describe it as “alt-folk-contemporary- chanteuse” and I was enchanted. Vibrations were raised. She was charming, her voice captivating, the music mesmerizing. In fact, the hour I put in sitting in the audience that evening was enough to raise my vibration for a day or two after. “Attend concerts” was added to THE list.
So, I guess, (for me anyway) there really isn’t any kind of method or set of instructions in this regard. The whole “vibrate higher daily” idea- in practice- is more intentional than just “do what makes you feel good” obviously. It goes far beyond instant gratification which tends to lower vibrations instead of raise them (think- wolfing down a package of cookies or mindlessly scrolling on social media 2 of my personal “favourites) and instead, is about how daily actions can reverberate and sustain. The walk by the water calms me physically, the break to have a coffee and read restores me mentally and seeing live music inspires me. All things that lead to me live at my “highest potential”– no instruction manual required.

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That’s Dr. Bad*ss to you…

I somehow managed to resist Jen Sincero’s Badass books for a considerable time— (You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life was published in 2013, You are A Badass at Making Money: Master the Mindset of Wealth in 2017, You Are a Badass Everyday: How to Keep Your Motivation Strong, Your Vibe High, and Your Quest for Transformation Unstoppable in 2018 and Badass Habits: Cultivate the Awareness, Boundaries, and Daily Upgrades You Need to Make Them Stick in 2020. Yes- I have read them all). I finally picked up the first one in January of this year and then promptly devoured each and every one of them. I’ll be honest, I totally held out because of the cuss word in the title. I am certainly not a puritan or Goody Two-Shoes – But then again, I do try hard not to fall into what I consider the cheap trick of using swear words to get attention. Don’t get me wrong—I use them, daily… But, I also attempt to be somewhat creative in that respect by at least inserting a homonym or two or swearing in another language- which somehow seems slightly more sophisticated. More importantly, however, I did not want to ever be caught toting a book with the word “badass” emblazoned on it in through the halls of academia or worse yet have it be visible on the bookcase behind me in a Zoom call- potentially blowing my carefully maintained woo-woo cover.
But I finally caved and in short order was hooked on all things badass-ery.

Jen Sincero is not what I would describe as a good writer per se, there is nothing poetic or particularly gripping about the prose but, I do not think that is the point of the book. Each of them reads more like a series of motivational texts or emails from a good friend or, more specifically, a coach, because in fact, that is what Sincero is, an in-demand ‘Success Coach’.
The books draw heavily on experiences from her own life, particularly the major changes she made in her early 40’s when she went from being a broke freelance writer living in a garage to the highly successful business woman she is now. Additionally, she includes plenty of “if they can do it so can you” stories from her clients. She is irreverent, she can be funny but her message is not necessarily new, and she does not pretend that she is offering something totally original. What she does offer is advice that is clear, straightforward and totally without sugar coating; Work hard. Believe in yourself. Never give up. She also offers simple and clear ‘instructions’ on how you too can transform your life. Changing your mindset and “if you can dream it- you can be it” is at the core of her message. How she suggests this may be achieved includes the practices of meditation, daily affirmations and manifestation techniques. Some examples of her advice;

“If you’re serious about changing your life, you’ll find a way. If you’re not, you’ll find an excuse.”

“So often, we pretend we’ve made a decision, when what we’ve really done is signed up to try until it gets too uncomfortable.”

“Our thoughts become our words, our words become our beliefs, our beliefs become our actions, our actions become our habits, and our habits become our realities.”

Maybe it is all timing… everything Sincero is selling is what I need to hear at this particular time in my life as I embark on a new chapter– Even if it is coming from that loudmouth coach’s voice in my ear, urging me to keep going, to not give up, telling me I am indeed a bad*ss. Whatever cheap tricks might be working- I’ll take ’em!

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Guilty as Charged

I am not a big fan of the whole “guilty pleasure” trope- I have come to this conclusion, I am certain, with age, maturity, and just the whole “feeling comfortable in my own skin” that living for 50+ years may have gifted me. I have no problem declaring my love for nerdy past times like reading and birdwatching (although I am pretty sure it is ‘hip to be square’ these days and if you don’t get that reference it means you are probably considerably younger than me) but I have detected a slight shift in my comfort level in sharing a particular ‘guilty pleasure’ in the context of my life as an academic and that is, my penchant for self-help books. You see, it’s not just that I am prone to picking up one or two throughout the year and flipping through them nonchalantly- I am, in fact, a bit of a connoisseur of the genre. And-I have been fairly underground about the whole thing– even going so far as to NOT include them on my Goodreads yearly “Reading Challenge” list! (That is going to change!) But, at any given moment I have a significant TBR pile (see photo below for just a very FEW that are currently in front of me…at this moment– and these don’t even include the ones on my Kobo or in my Audible library- Shout out to Thrift Books who keep me in good supply and save me from sending my family into complete financial ruin with my booking buying habit ). Some, for whatever reason, trigger more embarrassment than others. Brené Brown for example is an academic so I figure had more ‘street-cred’ while Gabby Bernstein has “only” a bachelors degree in Theatre (and how horrible that I would have any kind of judgement against her for THAT?!). My dear friend, who also happens to be a freshly minted PhD woman of a certain age shares my appetite for all things “woo-woo” (as we like to call it) which I must say helps me feel not so alone in my obsession (I will not ‘out’ her here in case she too feels the academic pressure to reject all ‘woo’.) mostly because she is wicked-smart and super-talented which gives me some validation that you can read the woo and be a ‘serious’ academic at the same time.

On my walk this morning, while listening to the audio book version of Gretchen Rubin’s Better than Before, it occurred to me that documenting some of the key findings from these book might actually help me process the information better and/or just help me remember who said what- so, I am going to give that a go and over the next few weeks ‘review’ (because that’s what an academic does, right?!) some of my favourite self-help books.

Long live the woo.

Summer Inspirations Part 5

My Summer Playlist!

So, a bit of a confession here– every summer I eagerly await Barack Obama’s Summer Playlist and Reading List—Somehow, I get pretty excited when I see some overlap (“Hey, I love that book/song too!” I am a bit of a fan of these kinds of lists in general because I am always looking for new and inspiring music and books. So as Part 5 of my summer inspiration series, I offer my own Summer Playlist –I will follow up with my Reading List in the upcoming days.

I listen to a lot of music when I am exercising, cooking, at my desk… I have specific music for when I am doing some deep type of writing (generally instrumental)-Admittedly my musical taste is all over the place if I was trying to sound edgy I might say “eclectic” but, “all over the place” is really more like it. Scanning the list you might think, is this a teenage boy? or a moody millennial? a crunchy boomer and well yes, all apply. There are new songs/artists that I have just discovered and old songs that have somehow made their way back into my world—usually triggering an intoxicating rush or nostalgia. Thank god for the Shazam app – watching Netflix often becomes an exercise of “name that tune”.

Interestingly the type of music I am likely to perform doesn’t make this list – that doesn’t mean I don’t listen to it–it just means that those songs are not on repeat. And when I say repeat… I mean repeat—I tend to get fixated on a song (or songs) and throughout a couple of months play them over and over and over again (a teenage habit that has endured) This list represents these songs—I even made a Spotify playlist!

What’s on your Summer Playlist?